The silence. It is deafening, no?
I covet mowing my yard. It is 90 minutes of peace and quiet - except for me singing at the top of my lungs to my iPod, which no one else can hear but that doesn't matter. Last week, before mowing, I had to rebuild my mowing playlist.
Yes, I have a playlist with songs specifically chosen for mowing the yard.
As God would have it, my playlist changed some. I couldn't remember exactly which songs were there before. I did remember to NOT include John Mellencamp's "Cherry Bomb." The snare drum rim-shot that starts it scares the crap out of me every single time. I can imagine The Mighty Hunter inside, seeing me jump out of my skin and looking around me for what in the world I could have run over with the mower and then giggling at myself.
But a song I added in was Avalon's "Everything to Me." This is a song with a message that is so similar to my own childhood and life. At least I wish it were that way.
There just isn't a song about a person who grew up in church, was taught the Necessary and Important Things in Life. Led to a saving relationship in Jesus. Turned away for a few years to determine if it was the life she really wanted. Then half-heartedly returned to live for her Lord and Savior.
Yessiree, Bob. I can talk the talk. But I'm not walking the walk.
"and looking back over my life at the end,
I'll gonna meet You
saying You've been
Everything to me"
I sing those words, blades whirring, grass flying and I cry. Weep. I truly FEEL them in the bottom of my heart. In that heart, I know that Jesus is the most important thing. In my life, I am not living it in any way that would make anyone realize He lives in my heart. Forget that. No one would even guess that I even know His name.
We all have gods in our lives. Some of us have God in our lives. Some of us with God in our lives allow other things to become gods. And there is not enough room for God and any other gods in one's heart.
I have allowed many things to push God out of my life.
Instead of reading my Bible, I read blogs.
Instead of praying, I watch tv.
Instead of listening for Him to speak to me, I talk on the phone.
Instead of raising my children to know Him like I do, I have neglected my responsibility as their first and most important teacher.
Instead of being the wife He has called me to be, I look voyeuristically at my friends' lives on Facebook.
Instead of spending time in church, I sleep late or make any excuse necessary to not go.
Instead of living a life that might be an example to those who do not know Him and His incredible love, I have lived a life just like theirs.
Not only is my spiritual life a mess, my home is an equal wreck.
Lucky's bedroom is full of boxes of files.
Sissy's room is a disorganized scramble of stuffed animals, puzzle pieces, Hannah Montana/Barbie shoes and toy horses.
The Mighty Hunter's and my bedroom is inadequately prepared for his suitcases when he is home from work.
This summer, I will make some very important changes in my life.
I will spend time in His Word. I will pray more. I will find a church that meets my needs and where I can contribute to His kingdom and my children will be nurtured and taught. I will teach my children the priorities that I have neglected for too long. I will devote myself to be a better wife. I will "get a handle" on my home and become the manager that my family needs and deserves.
I will blog less, if at all.
I have reduced my Google Reader list to my 7 absolute favorite blogs. The rest, while dear to my heart for their particular flavor and style message, don't need me to continue to be good bloggers.
I will post photos when I get a free minute. I understand that I just can't instantly withdraw you from my dangerously cute kids. Sorry for the inevitable DTs.
If you want to keep up with me, find me on Facebook. I'll pop in there from time to time.
I love blogging. It helps me to make sense of the thoughts and ideas and concerns and gripes and worries and frustrations and joys and wonders and tragedies of my life.
I don't know how I would have gotten through the closing of our business last Fall without being able to pour my very heart out here to y'all. The kind, loving and supportive comments I received were just the prescription my hurting heart and pride needed.
::Do you want to know what I've learned about financial crises? Big deal! If the worst case is that you have to file bankruptcy, then suck it up and get a lawyer. Bankruptcy sucks, but it really is not the end of the world.::
This summer will be a busy one - even if I weren't tackling the disaster that is my life.
Until next Wednesday, Sissy is taking swimming lessons. She still has 3 softball games left. It is a possibility she will be chosen for All-Stars. The 3rd week of June, VBS starts, but we will miss most of it as we are going to Dauphin Island for a few days. The last week of June is soccer camp.
We will be going back to DI for the 4th of July. Later in July, Sissy, Lucky and I will probably be flying to wherever The Mighty Hunter will be working and will spend time with him, exploring as best we can.
Sissy is in the local library summer reading program and has already read 3 dozen books. Including The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe! We're starting Prince Caspian tonight. We checked out 24 more books today. Her goal is to read 4 books each day. If you're keeping count, that means we're going back for more Monday or Tuesday.
She has also set a goal to learn the names, spelling, capitals and location of all 5o states.
We are hoping to do some exploring in our local area also. My brother (who is doing fairly well, btw) works for NASA and can get us free passes to the Space and Rocket Center in Huntsville. We are thinking of going next Thursday.
My dad has a tumor on his right auditory nerves. It is possibly a meningioma (yes, the same tumor as what my mother had on her spine. and yes, I'm beginning to wonder when all the neurological problems will leave my family alone!) The neurosurgeon told him today that a radiation-type of surgery will be the best treatment. (It drives me bonkers that I don't know the NAME AND SPELLING AND EVERY DETAIL because I didn't go to the doctor's appointment and relied on Mom and Dad to listen and get the information. Don't they know I NEED TO KNOW EXACTLY EVERYTHING??? I even offered to listen in to the consultation via cell phone.) Anyway, the treatment/surgery will take 6-9 months and may begin as early as the 3rd week of June. "Traditional" surgery will likely cause him to have a significant facial stroke and permanent hearing loss in that ear. I am only beginning to think of all the ways this will impact my parents. My dad does not handle "rest" or "relaxation" or "recovery" or "recuperation" well at all. My ADD is just an itch compared to his never-ending mental rabbit-chase.
So, I ask that you not forget me.
But more than that, I ask that you pray for me and my family.
Each of you who have read and commented on this here blawg have reached out and hugged me in a very personal - albeit, geeky - way. And, I pray for each of you.
And I hope He is everything to you too.